Child Problems
by madwriter223
Summary: -Kink Meme- There's a new someone on the Enterprise. A rather young new someone. Warnings for deaged!Nero. Yes, you read right. Humor, tiny bit of angst. Rated for swearing.


**Child Problems**

"You're absolutely sure he's fine?" Captain Kirk asked over the inhumanly loud wails of the kid.

Doctor McCoy crossed his arms gruffly and nodded. "Bruises here and there, a bump on his head, and he's a little shook up. Other than that he's absolutely fine."

"Then why is he crying like that?" Jim asked, covering his ears. It felt like his drums were going to rupture from the noise.

"Cause he's a god damned kid, Jim. He's alone in an unfamiliar environment and he's probably scared to death after that tumble he took."

"Yeah, 'tumble'. I like that, I'll go with that in the official report."

"I believe describing the anomaly in detail would be more appropriate, Captain." Spock commented as he entered the Sickbay, raising an eyebrow at the wailing child.

"Spock! Just the alien I wanted!" McCoy grabbed the Vulcan's arm and yanked him closer to the biobed. He then grasped the still crying kid, and lifted him up so that he was eye-level with Spock's head. "Look! Pointed ears and weird-ass eyebrows, just like you!" he yelled, a tad of desperation coloring his voice.

The child opened his eyes and quieted down upon seeing Spock. He stared at the Vulcan for a long moment, then sniffled pathetically and reached towards him.

"Thank God that worked." McCoy muttered, thrusting the kid into Spock's startled arms. The kid wrapped his little arms around the Vulcan's neck, squeezing tight as he hid his tear-stained face against Spock's collarbone. The Vulcan blinked slowly, then moved his hands so that they supported the little body more securely against his chest.

Jim uncovered his ears and sighed in relief. "I think my ears will be ringing for a month."

"Stop whining, Jim." McCoy said, taking the PADD nurse Chapel handed him. "At least now I can actually read the DNA results in peace."

Jim, bless his ass, waited a few minutes before asking. "Well?"

McCoy swallowed, and decided he needed to sit down immediately. "Well, there's good news and there's bad news."

Jim and Spock shared a look. "What's the good news?"

"The good news is we know his species and we got a match to his DNA." He stared at the kid. "He's Romulan with a dash of Vulcan great-grandpa."

"We got a Romulan kid here and you're telling me that's the good news? Romulus has been really twitchy lately, in case you didn't notice?"

"Calm yourself, Captain." Spock said, eyebrows drawing together as the child in his arms squirmed.

McCoy set down the PADD and helped hold the boy steady while Spock corrected his grip on the child.

"The bad news is it's Nero." he said, ignoring the way Spock stiffened.

"That's Nero's kid?" Jim sputtered, eyes wide.

"Nope. This is 100% pure Nero. He's either a clone, the real thing-"

"I calculated that Nero will not be born for 97.301 years, Doctor." Spock said tensely.

"-or the anomaly sucked the kid from his time into ours." McCoy concluded.

"Great." Jim facepalmed. "How do we send him back?"

"We cannot, Captain." Spock said softly, most of his attention on the child. "The anomaly receded shortly after the child appeared in the mess room. My department's research indicated there is very little possibility of the anomaly appearing again. At least not in this quadrant."

"So you're saying we have no possible way of returning the kid back to its home."

"Not unless we can recreate the anomaly."

"And what are the chances of that?"

"None in Hell. You saw how the equipment reacted to that thing! What didn't fry on the spot shut down completely."

"Yeah, Scotty had sobbed something about urgent repairs." Kirk muttered to himself, then looked at the child in Spock's arms. "So we can't send him back home. Can we just send him to Romulus?"

"And how do you propose we do that?" McCoy rolled his eyes at him. "You know as well as I do that since Vulcan went bye-bye," He paused to lay a comforting hand on Spock's shoulder briefly. "Romulus is locked up tighter than an old woman's knickers."

"Notifying the Romulans that a Federation Starship is in possession of a Romulan child will also have devastating consequences. There is a high possibility that the _Enterprise_ will be accused of kidnapping. The Romulans may even use this as a reason to start a war."

"Oh, come on, we just finished the war with the Klingons!"

"And as such, we are still weakened." Spock looked down at the child, one hand moving to pet his dark hair. "This child may be the bringer of catastrophe."

"Well, we can't keep him. How the hell would we explain his parentage?" Kirk asked, throwing up his arms. He then looked sadly at the boy. "I for one thing don't want to just leave him in the nearest planet's foster care."

McCoy cocked his head to the side, staring at the Vulcan. "Maybe we could pass him off as Spock's kid?"

Kirk blinked at him in surprise. Spock's face was impassive.

"Well, look at them. Vulcans and Romulans are close enough cousins, we could pull it off."

"Doctor, and how would we explain the lack of shared genetics?"

"Hey, I'm the CMO. I'll personally do the tests, and prove he's yours."

Kirk crossed his arms. "Are you saying you'll fake the results?"

"You can bet your ass I will."

The Captain blinked at him, then nodded. "I'm down with that."

"Great." McCoy then turned to the Vulcan. "So, Spock, how'd you feel about having an illegitimate child with a Romulan you met only once in your life, and can't possibly name if anyone asked?"

Spock lifted an eyebrow and shifted the child against his chest. "I feel I should object to making me seem promiscuous."

McCoy snorted. "One time doesn't make you a hussy."

Kirk nodded. "We can tell people he got you drunk and took advantage of you, that'd work too."

Spock eyed him for a moment. "That won't be necessary, Captain." He turned to face McCoy. "Leonard, I have become a parent. Will you join me in fulfilling parental obligations?"

Bones grinned. "Sure, what the hell."

"Great! I can be the cool uncle." Kirk grinned at them, stepping up to Spock and nudging him in the side.

A moment later Nero kicked him in the ribs, hard.

"Ow! Son of a-"

Nero giggle and snuggled closer to his new parent, sighing contentedly.

.

.

.

.

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**The prompt is as follows: **In some random (insert reason here) chain of events, Nero is turned into a four-year-old romulan. And somehow gets aboard the Enterprise.  
And to make matters worse, he's decided that Spock's now his mother.


End file.
